I want to tell you something really exciting that I did this weekend but first I need to provide you with some context to it so please read what I have to say and then hopefully join me in being really excited too!
Without deliberately jumping on the same bandwagon that it seems we’re all on, I have spoken about my experience with anxiety because it’s important you know me beyond what I wear on the outside and also it’s because sufferers should hold their hands up and reveal how common something like anxiety and mental health is. The Incident of the Mr Whippy told you how certain -completely random- situations spark an overwhelming sense of vulnerability and exposure in me and I panic. I am also an over thinker and stress about things that haven’t even happened yet. I seem to overload myself with worry and this stress which unsurprisingly after a while breaks me and I find myself in tears, sometimes for the most trivial things.
The real thing I suffer with though, is depression. Not all the time and until recently I thought it was very much in the past but it never is only in the past. Mental health doesn’t just go away, instead it lingers under the surface, remaining dormant and poised ready to take hold when you weaken. The trick is to be able to know when you’re slipping and take measures to catch yourself from falling before you hit the ground.
With all of the above in mind, lately I haven’t been feeling myself at all. I have become somewhat nervous in my person, I am having some stresses about work, about aspects of the future and I’ll be honest with you guys, also a battle with loneliness; this isn’t who I used to be. As you get older, once you’ve left school and University, meeting people and making friends is a real challenge, it doesn’t come easy. As I am sure I have mentioned before (?) I have moved twelve times and I attended five schools (4 primary, 1 secondary) therefore I have known no one my whole life. When I make friends I have ended up moving away. Until 2007 that was the fault of my parents, since then it has been my own doing. In finding out who I want to be and what I want to do, I have upped sticks and moved to new locations and jobs to find what it is I am looking for. So it should come as no surprise that my career is everything to me and being and becoming successful is crucial otherwise I would feel as though I sacrificed for nothing.
When I was surrounded by people, I adored my independence and the ability to go off and do things on my own. Now, except for when I am with Ian, I have no choice but to be on my own most of the time. Fortunately I don’t mind my own company and of course I do have several friends that have clung on while I have done my thing and when possible I go and visit them. But something is missing; in me and in my life.
So I did something quite exciting this weekend.
I am now broke for the foreseeable future as it’s going to take a real commitment to save for but importantly, it gives me something to look forward to and in doing that, will keep myself afloat if you catch my drift. Next October I am flying out to LA and spending two weeks travelling up and back the west coast taking in places such as Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Yosemite National Park and San Francisco to name just a few.
I. Can’t. Wait!
So why Trek America? Because I need to remember the person I used to be. I used to be so willingly independent and fearless. I also feel that I haven’t really had that travelling experience that I think everyone should have. I am also a couple of years away from properly committing myself to Ian and I think before that happens, I need to go and do something like this. Something on my own. Something with a totally new group of people that I have never met and share something totally unforgettable.
So guys, when I post about beauty and skincare a lot of you flock to those posts in your ‘likes’ which is great but you disappear somewhat when I post about other things (like this)… or you’re there, but you don’t let me know you’ve been. The blogging community should be about showing your support when it matters, not only when someone does a little haul purchasing the same things that so many others have. There are products out there that last all day and we applaud them, but what about those things that ingrain on someone a lifetime? No one is quick to applaud then. No one ‘likes’ depression or anxiety and so many I feel keep their blogs happy and fun places which they absolutely should be, but you’ll never truly know the person behind it all.
Some will criticise that I have been too honest with you, some will like that I have. But I am not all about the beauty, I like to talk about what is real, what is happening or things that have happened that I want to tell you guys about such as my trips to New York City. I want to attract those that can relate and allow me to follow and show my support back.
I love you guys!
Until next time x